


I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

by firstordershitposting (ald0us)



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: First Kiss, Gen, M/M, cheesiness (in spades), family themes, mention of parental abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 09:27:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11803215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ald0us/pseuds/firstordershitposting
Summary: When Kylo reluctantly leaves MySpace to go on a class trip to Washington, DC, he hopes it means he can spend more time with his crush, Brendon Hux. Unfortunately, Hux’s father has other ideas.





	I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [porcelain_cats](https://archiveofourown.org/users/porcelain_cats/gifts).



> Commission for [horatiosroom](http://horatiosroom.tumblr.com) on tumblr for her Myspace AU! ily chelsea <3

Leia crushed Kylo in a massive bear hug. She smelled of mom and cinnamon and old books, and her voice was just on the edge of wavering. “I’m going to miss you so much, Ben, bugbear,” she said in his ear. “Kylo, sorry. You’re all I have in the world, you know that.”

“Mom,” Kylo said.

“Make sure you call as soon as the plane lands,” she said. “And when you get to the hotel. And whenever you leave. I mean you can text, if you want, but make sure you get in touch.”

“Mom,” Kylo said again.

“And make sure you remember to take your medication, and eat three meals a day, and drink lots of water. And take Rey or Finn or Poe everywhere you go. Actually, all three of them would be best. And make sure you don’t let Poe buy a vape machine thing—“

“ _Mom.”_

“—those things are just as bad as smoking, and smoking kills. And don’t vape yourself, it’s dangerous and will be out of fashion in five years anyway. And make sure to take lots of pictures, and don’t talk to strangers, and only eat things that you know where they came from or are in wrappers, and don’t eat too quickly and don’t eat fast food too often because the cholesterol and trans fat isn’t good for you, and if you see anyone being bullied make sure you tell your teacher and sock the bully in the teeth, and remember if you do any weed make sure the source is safe and brush your teeth and put on cologne or something afterwards because the smell is damn obvious, and don’t have sex but if you do use protection—“

“ _MOM.”_

Leia paused her diatribe, leaning back from the hug to meet Kylo’s eyes with her own, which were shining with unshed tears. “Yes, bugbear?”

“You planned the whole trip,” he said. “You’re literally one of the group leaders. You’ll be there the whole time. Also, you’re embarrassing me a little.”

“A little?” she pressed a sloppy, wet kiss to his forehead. “I love you so much, bugbear, you’re my bestest bud.”

“Okay, more than a little.”

She clung to him more tightly. “You’re growing up so fast, Ben—Kylo, sorry. Next thing you know you’ll be graduating or going off to university or getting a job and I’ll be so proud—“

“A lot now. Definitely a lot.”

Leia beamed tearfully. “You’re right. We’re going to miss our taxi.” She gave him one last bone-crushing hug, then ushered Kylo into the back seat of the taxi as he struggled to fold himself into the tiny, grey, carpet-upholstered space. Then she rounded the back of the car, tossed her backpack into the trunk and pushed it shut, then clambered in next to Kylo in the back seat, dabbing at her eyes when she thought he wasn’t looking.

It was embarrassing. Not for Leia—she seemed to be resistant to any social consequence of her parental awkwardness. Kylo, on the other hand, could not allow himself to be observed by his peerswith his mother tearfully pronouncing the brightness of his future.

He fiddled with the charms on his phone, flicking them back and forth where they lay on his ripped, electric purple skinny jeans. He’d painted his nails late last night—black with an overlay of red sparkles—and woke up extra early to do his makeup, layering on red and purple eyeshadow that matched his raccoon stripes with thick eyeliner. Even his kandi bracelets and braces bands were red and purple, matching the bright red t-shirt and black and purple pinstripe vest he’d laid out the night before.

In short, he looked pretty fucking awesome.

The rest of the ride to the airport passed in fraught silence, Leia absorbed in her Sudoku book, and Kylo picking at a frayed edge of the car’s upholstery. The cab driver, an energetic elderly lady who seemed to like switching the radio station more than using her turn signal, whistled along to an awful Top 40 tune.

Kylo reached into his backpack and pulled out his sidekick phone and stuffed his SkullCandy earbuds into his ears. He navigated to the music program, then selected one of the few Blood on the Dance Floor songs that fit on his phone. The volume was on high but still wasn’t quite loud enough. Navigating to his SMS app, he typed,

> _heyy hux whatz up??_

No response. Kylo gazed forlornly out the window, watching as houses turned to apartment buildings turned to empty countryside. The airport appeared on the horizon, a few airplanes roaring overhead.

Kylo’s phone vibrated.

> _Not much. Father won’t let me bring Millicent._

Kylo frowned.

> _isn’t shipping cats like super expensive n shit???_

> _That isn’t the issue at hand. He never liked her._

A few seconds passed, then,

> _I didn’t want to leave her._

Kylo’s brow furrowed. He’d never had a pet beyond the ill-fated succulent Leia had bought him for his fourteenth birthday, and after he’d killed it in a record two weeks they had come to a tacit understanding that Kylo would not be caregiver to any living creature until he was at least a bit older.

He _had_ won a goldfish at a state fair when he was five, but it had died before they could even get it home. Leia and Kylo had staged a very emotional burial in the backyard, and dubbed it Sir Glubkins posthumously.

> _im sorry that suckz ass_

> _I’m used to it._

Kylo’s frown deepened. He and Hux had been texting a lot recently, and considering how much Hux disliked holding a conversation over text, that meant something. That was what he told himself as he stared into Leia’s makeup mirror stressing over pimples, anyway. The bad part was he’d gotten an increasing impression that Hux was not exactly happy—not in the Suicide Silence way, in the...accepted it way. As if he had decided he deserved whatever lot he had.

> _well if it were up 2 me millie would come with us shes so kyoooot~ :3_

> _Kylo, after she ate your fake eyelashes you said she was dead to you._

Kylo scowled, recalling the incident. They had been glow-in-the-dark, his favorite, and Hux had been far more concerned about Millie coughing them up than the fact Kylo was now falsie-less. He plowed onwards.

> _yah but i changed my mind ROFL_

> _That means so much to me, Ren._

Kylo wasn’t delusional enough to miss the sarcasm, even through text.

> _fuck u hux_

> _Fuck you too, Kylo._

The car came to an abrupt halt and Kylo looked up in surprise to see the airport terminal looming overhead.

> _txt me when ur at the g8 k_

_> What?_

_> txt me when ur at the gate god hux what r u blind r smth??? LOLZ_

_> I’m at the gate now._

_> The plane takes off in 45 minutes, where are you?_  
_> Tell me you’re at least through security._  
 _ > They’re boarding in 15 minutes._

Shit. Kylo looked to Leia, who was struggling with their large shared suitcase. As usual, they were cutting things a bit fine. Once, on their honeymoon, Leia, already a bit pregnant with Kylo, had been forced to yell and stall at the gate to keep the plane from taking off while Han ran full tilt with their luggage. At least, that’s the way she told the story.

> _ya of course LOLz c u there ROFL_

 

 

 

 

“Hey, man,” Poe said, giving Kylo a high-wattage smile. “Glad you and Leia made it. Rey was worried you’d have to like, join us on horseback.”

“We saved you a seat,” Finn added. He had a clear plastic folder in his lap containing their itinerary, boarding passes, and knowing Finn, emergency contact information for all of them. Kylo had to marvel a bit hopelessly at his efficiency and foresight. “And Rey saved you some of the gummy bears, if you want some.”

“I took the window seat,” Rey interjected, not very apologetically. “I wanted to see the wings while we take off. You can sit in the second middle seat, though. Serves you right for being so late.”

“Thanks for saving it,” Kylo said, a bit sheepishly. They had only been late because it had taken him so long to straighten his hair. There had been a stray piece at the back that refused to lay flat; in the end, he’d just hairsprayed it into submission.

Kylo squeezed past Finn and Poe, Finn in the aisle seat and Poe holding his hand beside him. The plane was huge, with four seats to a row on each side. The seat creaked under him and his knees jammed uncomfortably into the seat in front of him. Beside him, Poe was entertaining Finn by making a puppet of his barf bag.

“What a handsome gummy bear,” said Poe in a weird voice, flapping the bag’s bottom like a mouth. “The handsome-est gummy bear in the land.”

Finn flushed. “You’re embarrassing me,” he said, with a very unconvincing eye roll. “Now quiet, Mrs. Landon is trying to do roll call.”

“Roll call schmole call,” Poe said, but the paper bag fell silent. Kylo struggled to fit his backpack under the seat in front of him, jostling his knees into the back and smacking his forehead on the drink tray.

“Excuse me. I don’t recall asking to have your knees jabbing into my back.”

Kylo looked up wide-eyed, arm half-swallowed by his backpack. A very angry-looking adult glared at him from between the seats in front of him and Rey. “Uh, sorry,” he said, lamely.

“I didn’t ask you to be sorry, I asked you to stop jostling my seat.”

“Well, I can’t make any promises,” Kylo said, then at the man’s glare added hastily, “But I’ll uh, do my best to, uh, not hit things. Promise.”

A flash of ginger hair and then Hux’s angry eyes appeared between the seats. “Ren?”

Kylo swallowed. Hux’s angry voice made him very anxious, and also had the added side-effect of occasionally making him a bit hard. Not that he was keeping track or anything. “Uh, yeah, it’s me.”

Hux’s eyes rolled heavenward. “My apologies, father,” he said, addressing Angry Seat Man. “Kylo here is a born idiot who hasn’t mastered the basic kindergarten adage of _keeping his hands to himself._ ”

“My knees, actually,” Kylo blurted out, then regretted it instantly as twin green-blue glares fixed on him. In retrospect, he could definitely see how Angry Seat Man was Hux’s father, even if they didn’t look all that alike.

Hux’s expression flickered between more eye-rolling and a sort of half-hearted sneer. Then he whipped around and re-absorbed himself in his book. Kylo “accidentally” gave his seat a not-so-gentle bump.

“Gum?” Rey asked, and held out a wrinkled packet of Double Bubble.

Kylo grimaced. “Braces.”

“Ah. Right.” Rey raised Kylo’s hand, then put it down again. “Mrs. Landon called your name,” she explained. “Anyway, do you want to learn how planes fly? I looked it up on Wikipedia. It’s so exciting.”

 

 

 

After hours of flying, even longer hours of layover, two hours of baggage claim, three bus rides, and the threat of extreme bodily violence contained in the words “ _simmer down now, children,_ ” the class finally arrived in the nation’s capital, Washington, D.C. Or, more specifically, the hotel. It wasn’t too shabby, and even served breakfast, but the elevator smelled of vomit and the mini fridges had been rid of all alcohol.

“Damn,” Poe said, a bit sadly. “Not even a sad Budweiser or something. Or like, a jar of pickles.”

“Is there a pool?” Finn asked of no one in particular, lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling. “And do you think they get cable? Mom and Dad never let me watch TV."

Rey consulted the brochure as Poe swooped down to peck Finn randomly on the cheek. “12 hour pool, no lifeguard, bring your own towels.” She closed it. “Anyone wanna go find the ice machine?”

Poe flopped down next to Finn, grinning like a maniac when Finn took Poe’s hand and pushed his hair out of his face. “I think I’m good here.”

“If you guys are going to get all PDA, I think I’m definitely going to go find the ice machine.” Rey grabbed her keycard and flip phone. “You coming, Kylo?”

“Yeah, sure,” Kylo said. “Lemme text mom first, she’ll go crazy if she doesn’t know where I am.” That was an understatement. Kylo was very sure she had the local police on speed dial already, perhaps along with the Secret Service, the FBI, and maybe even the CIA.

“Yeah, I should call Luke,” Rey agreed. “Meet you outside?”

Kylo nodded, already opening his SMS app. He fired off a text to Leia that read,

> _going 2 find ice machine w rey brb_

_> okay be safe! :-)_

Kylo groaned, ducking into the bathroom as Poe and Finn started pelting each other with gummy bears.

> _mom don’t put a nose in ur emoticons!!11! gawd_  
_> im so embarrassed_  
 _ > anyway luv u don’t call the police im not dead_

_> love you too pumpkin :-)_

It was hopeless. Kylo sprinted across the gummy bear warzone and out the door, keycard clutched tight in his palm. Rey was waiting for him, the brochure and ice bucket in hand. She was busily stuffing the lining into the bucket, brow furrowed in concentration.

“One sec,” Kylo said, then hastily tapped out a message.

> _hai hux what room r u in?? ;)_

He agonized over the ;) for a few moments, then steeled himself ( _think brave thoughts, Kylo)_ and sent the text. He braced himself for an onslaught of properly-punctuated invective (SAT word of the day, according to Finn), but none came. Kylo nursed his disappointment and flicked at one of the charms on his phone, a handmade Blood on the Dance Floor logo he’d made with Leia’s Shrinky Dinks and Rey’s colored pencils. He’d melted a few in the microwave before getting this one right, and warped even more, but eventually determination and stubbornness won the day.

“I think the nearest machine is one floor down from us,” Rey told him once he’d wedged his phone in his back pocket (with effort, as his jeans were very tight). “Are Finn and Poe coming?”

Kylo bit back the obvious joke with effort but Rey grinned at him anyways. “That’s what I thought,” she said. “All right, it’s you and me, then.” Mischief shone in her dark eyes. “Race to the end of the hall? Loser carries the ice back, ready set go!”

And with that she was off, hurtling down the hallway like a human-shaped bullet. Kylo started after her, his Hello Kitty shoelaces smacking against his converse. She was faster than him but his legs were longer; the carpets and lamps whizzed by like a dizzying shaky-cam rendition of _The Shining_. Then suddenly dark shapes appeared from nowhere and then Kylo’s legs were no longer under him and the floor hurtled up towards him like inescapable doom—

Kylo slammed into the floor, or rather the floor slammed into Kylo, and instantly he could taste salty blood where his braces smashed into his lips. His hands and knees burned, as well as his chin and his nose, and he could feel tears welling in his eyes. He blinked them away, struggling to pull himself upright, winded as if the air had been sucked violently from his lungs.

He saw the worn toes of rubber-toe boots and, after a few seconds, recognized the telltale scuffs on the toe. “Hux, is that you?” he asked, except it came out more like, “Hugs, ibbat oo?”

“Kylo, are you okay?” Rey’s voice sounded above him, followed by her hands pulling him to his feet. “Oh my god, your nose is bleeding—

Kylo looked woozily to Hux, who was staring at him very intently with very round, jade-colored eyes. Kylo had read a romance book with a love interest who had smoldering jade eyes, and Kylo had thought of Hux’s every time, even if Hux’s glared more than smoldered when he was around. “Sorry for running over your suitcase,” he mumbled, even if the words weren’t entirely intelligible. “We’re going to get ice from the ice machine, you wanna come?”

Hux’s expression wrinkled in confusion. “What did you say?”

Now that he’d mustered the courage to say something out loud, Kylo plowed onwards, undeterred. “Where’s your room? I could stop by once I like, stop bleeding. Unless like, you’d rather I not stop bleeding?”

Rey and Hux were both looking at him with very confused, concerned expressions. Fuck. Not very smooth. Hux’s eyes certainly weren’t going to smolder now.

“I’m gonna go now,” Kylo said, and held a hand to his bleeding nose.

Then, to his horror, Mr. Hux rounded the corner from the elevators, looking approximately furious.

“What is the meaning of this?” he demanded, gesturing from Hux’s overturned suitcase.

“Kylo and I ran into each other,” Hux said quickly, hastily ducking down to pick up the fallen bag. His expression flickered rapidly, the corner of his mouth twitching as if attempting a smile. “It was my fault.”

Mr. Hux took Hux by the arm, pinning Kylo with a glare that was unfriendly at best and hostile at worst. “Stop clowning around, before you hurt someone,” he snapped, gruff and scary in the way only adults could be. To Hux, he said, “Aren’t you glad you’re staying in our room, Armitage, not with these people?”

“Of course, Dad,” Hux said, the strange spasm returning to his too-bright smile. “Can I disinfect everything when we get to the room? Hotels are never clean. I read a book about it.”

Kylo’s heart dropped down to the ripped holes in the knee of his jeans. Hux wouldn’t be staying with the rest of the class—he had no chance to get him alone, let alone talk to him. Worse yet, Hux didn’t seem to be bothered by his entrapment. In fact, he seemed really happy about it, smiling big and wide and almost eager up at his father, who looked displeased.

“If you must.” Hux’s father looked disapproving, but the Look he sent Kylo’s way was downright condemning in comparison.

The image of Hux locked away in a tower by evil Lord Brendol and himself coming to his rescue in shining armor (Sharpied in Alkaline Trio lyrics, of course) with really amazing hair and no braces blazed through his mind.

“I’ll see you!” Kylo called out as the Huxes started down the hall, Rey urgently patting his shoulder as if to shut him up. “Uh, sleep well, or whatever!”

“Stay here, I’ll get some ice for your nose.” Rey left and re-appeared with a bag full of ice, which she held rather carefully to his nose. Kylo groaned and tried to shove it away—it _hurt,_ and made the bridge of his nose feel like it was breaking—but she was insistent.

“It’ll swell up if you don’t apply ice, and then you’ll look like a raccoon,” she said, not without sympathy. “C’mon, Finn can help me put on some Band-Aids, you know how good he is at those things.”

When they returned to the room, Rey carrying Kylo’s backpack, Leia was already there, Kylo’s Hello Kitty Band-Aids in hand.

“Ben—sorry, Kylo—what happened?” Leia took his arm and guided him to the bed, where Finn and Poe were staring at him as if he’d been mauled by a bear.

“I got in a fight,” Kylo said, his voice muffled by the ice cubes.

“He tripped on his shoelaces and ran into a suitcase,” Rey corrected, and Kylo shot her a sodden glare. “And Mr. Hux was really rude to him. I think he’s got it out for Kylo, or something.”

“Traitor,” Kylo muttered.

Leia’s eyes rolled. “Yes, he’s made his opinions of the management of this field trip quite clear already. Not to mention his opinions on why the American education system is _so behind_ China’s, and how they’re all _such poor peasants_ that want the American Dream and aren’t cushy and weak like we all are, and to be honest I don’t remember the rest because I was actively falling asleep.”

Rey frowned. “Did he miss the fact you drive a VW van with psychedelic colors and a big peace sticker on it?”

“God, I love that car,” interjected Poe, a bit dreamily.

“Frankly, I can’t imagine he would give a damn.” Leia looked cheerful. “I can’t wait to talk politics at the parents’ dinner.”

Leia had grown up with politics, as her adoptive parents had both been senators. When they died in a freak car accident to end all freak car accidents when she was still young, the press had hounded her so much it had pretty much put an end to her dream of becoming a politician. Kylo’s grandpa had come back into the picture and tried to be a father to her, but she had never accepted him. Now, Anakin had passed away, and she had Kylo and a job that she was too smart for. Kylo tried to pretend she was happy.

Long story short, if she and Hux’s dad got through the entire dinner without throwing things, Kylo would be very relieved.

“Anyway, respect your elders, kids.” Leia said half-heartedly and a bit too late, then guided Kylo into the bathroom and sat him down on the edge of the bathtub. Finn came in with a First Aid kit and a glass of water, and they both thanked him. Kylo felt tears at the edges of his vision and offered Finn a watery smile, overcome with friendly adoration. Sure, Finn loved fanny packs and was more adult than most adults Kylo knew, but he also destroyed at Mario Kart and laughed at Poe’s bad jokes and always knew the right thing to do, always.

“Poe and I are gonna get some soda from the vending machine,” he said. “Is Pepsi okay?”

“Coke for me,” Leia said. “You can use my card in my purse, they don’t take cash anymore.” Before Finn could add anything more, she said, “And if you guys try to pay me back, I’ll break your knees.”

Finn, who absolutely had been about to promise to pay her back, turned around and hurried away.

“All right, bugbear, let’s get you taken care of.” Leia opened Finn’s First Aid kit, and whistled. “I think he added some stuff. Has he considered pre-med?”

She sprayed painless disinfectant on his rug-burned hands and knees, then plastered Hello Kitty Band-Aids on them and his nose, which she dabbed blood off carefully with a piece of gauze. Then she took the bag of ice and washed the blood off in the sink, and wrapped it with a towel.

“There you are,” she said, and patted his shoulder. “Rey brought you some more ice, so it’s in the fridge when you need it.”

“Thanks, mom.” He felt really lame when he said it.

“Thank your friends. I was just here to take all the credit.” She kissed him on the forehead, and he didn’t even entirely wriggle away. “See you bright and early, bugbear.”

 

 

 

“Hey, we should grab some food,” Rey said. “Like, it’s all-you-can-eat, right? We’ll be hungry later.”

“Genius,” Poe declared. “C’mon, gummybear. I have the most room in my backpack. Kylo, can I fill up yours too? We’ll get all the good stuff.”

“Yeah, thanks,” said Kylo, who totally hadn’t been watching Hux slice up his banana into one centimeter cubes with a fork and knife a table away. He bit rather hastily into his pancakes, pretending to watch Finn and Poe bicker over whether to get cherry or apple pastries for Rey. Mr. Hux sat across from Hux, newspaper and coffee mug in hand.

Kylo’s phone vibrated and he flipped it open.

> _You look exceptionally stupid today._

Kylo flushed. Usually, Hux’s insults slid off his back like water off a baby otter, but today wasn’t one of those days.

> _is it becuz of teh bandaidz? becuz if so blame ur fucking suitcase_

 _> Not the band aids. Those are fine._  
_> Maybe a bit charming, if they weren’t so garish._  
 _ > The problem is just your face._

Kylo grinned.

> _u kno u love meh face XD_

_> Actually, I hate it._

_> iz that why ur cutting up ur fruit like that?_  
_> r u a fruit serial killer hux??_  
 _ > or like a cereal killer ROFLMAO_

Across from his father, Hux was laughing quietly into his hand, a cute sort of chitter. Kylo felt his face go very hot—he made Hux laugh.

_> Kylo, stop.  
> That was horrible._

_> im bad now?  
> im bad in a lot of ways ;)_

_> Actually, your face doesn’t look half bad today.  
> Whatever you did with your ridiculous makeup doesn’t look quite as horrid._

_> thxxxxxxx  <3333_  
_> mom says I cant wear as much makeup 2day bc it might get in teh cuts on meh nose_  
 _ > n then it might like fall off_  
 _ > soz I wont let any1 take picz of meh 2day ROFL_  
 _ > ur hair looks gr8_

Hux’s hand went to his hair, as if automatically. When he caught Kylo watching, he gave him a frosty glare. Kylo pretended not to notice and flicked at one of his phone charms, wholly innocent.

“Hey, Kylo, do you want apple juice or orange juice in your water bottle?” Poe appeared at Kylo’s elbow, nearly startling him off his seat.

“Uh, apple juice—I’ll get it, thanks.” Kylo slipped his phone into his jeans, quickly, so Poe didn’t notice. Flustered, he followed Poe into the crowded hotel lobby where the breakfast items were. Finn was packing and repacking a mound of snacks and fruit cups and napkin-wrapped pastries with laser-like precision and focus.

“I think that’s good, gummybear,” Poe volunteered.

“I can fit another Nutella bagel in if I rearrange,” Finn argued, and proceeded to dismantle the backpack. Kylo made for the juice machine, trying not to step on any small children as he went. The eggs had been cold and rubbery, but he liked them that way, and he was tempted to get another portion. Rey had been back and forth nearly four times now, and showed no signs of stopping. She’d once taken down an entire sixteen-inch pizza by herself, which was no mean feat.

When Kylo returned to the table, Rey had polished off another set of eggs, toast, and fruit, and was happily slurping at her tea. Poe had snuck a RedBull from the vending machine and was dumping it into a travel coffee mug; Finn had finally contented himself with a packing strategy and was devouring a pastry. Hux and his father were gone from their table, and nowhere to be seen.

“You okay there, buddy?” Poe asked, waving a hand in front of Kylo’s eyes. “You look spacey.”

“Just looking for my mom,” Kylo said quickly. “She’s right there, about to make an announcement.”

Indeed, Leia was mounting a chair some tables away. “Alright, listen up, kids!” she barked, and Kylo instantly thought of all the boot camps he’d seen in movies. Everyone else jerked to attention, possibly thinking the same thing. “Five minutes and we do roll call, then we head to the bus and do roll call. Then we will go to our first destination, the White House tour, and do roll call, then the Washington Monument and do roll call, then lunch and roll call, and lastly the Natural History museum and, you guessed it, roll call. Dinner will be outside the museum and we will do roll call before heading back here and doing roll call. Is that clear?”

“Yes, ma’am,” chorused all the students present.

“And above all else, we’re doing the buddy system. I don’t want to see any stragglers, or I will make all of you do roll call and drop and do ten pushups, and trust me, it’s not as fun as it sounds. Is that understood?”

“Yes ma’am,” said the students again.

“Any questions?”

For a long moment, silence stretched between the students, as well as everyone else in the hotel lobby, including a stunned set of elderly tourists and the desk manager. Then, tentatively, Finn raised his hand.

“Yes, Finn?” Leia asked.

Every head turned his way and Finn squared his shoulders under their collective gaze. “Sorry, ma’am, but isn’t making everyone do pushups a little harsh? Collective punishment is considered cruel and unusual under the Geneva accords.”

“An excellent point, Finn. In the event of anyone not following the buddy system, everyone except Finn will be required to do ten pushups as punishment, and Finn and any other moral objectors will do ten pushups for their health.”

And with that Leia stepped off the chair and made for the breakfast bar, and the silent spell was broken.

“Is it just me, or did your mom miss a career opportunity as a general or something?” Poe asked idly, chugging down his RedBull coffee. “Cause that was a bit intimidating.”

 

 

 

“That is a big-ass elephant,” Poe declared, craning his neck back to take in the entire, impressive statue. “And like, a big-ass building. Holy shit. Is that marble? Fuck. Are there dinosaurs here?”

“The Rex Room is just to the left,” Finn pointed out, pinching off a bit of Poe’s cotton candy and stuffing it in his mouth. “This place is amazing. I’ve already picked out the stuff we _have_ to see, the display on marine life is supposed to be absolutely incredible—“

“I want to see the Air and Space Museum and the African Art Museum,” Rey chirped up excitedly. “It’s almost as good as going to NASA. And the National Gallery of Art is supposed to be amazing.”

Kylo bit back a comment that he fully planned to spend as much time in the food court or the gift shop as possible, and pretended to look at the giant elephant. It had very big ears, which he found uncomfortably familiar. His scowl deepened. He was not going to be made self-conscious by a big fake-ass elephant, even if it was like, two stories tall. He glanced sideways at Leia, who was talking a tearful girl through checking her bag for a lost phone, and weighed his chances of getting caught surreptitiously flipping off the elephant in the room.

His enmity with the elephant was instantly forgotten when he caught a flash of orange and white. Kylo’s stomach fluttered as if filled with a thousand, angry cannibalistic butterflies. He had caught only glimpses of Hux and his father all day, and his phone seemed to be off, as he hadn’t answered a single text.

Hux’s face was even more pale than usual, and to Kylo’s eye his expression flickered more. Steeling all his courage and grabbing a napkin-wrapped pastry from his backpack (and internally thanking Finn for his unbeatable foresight), Kylo elbowed his way awkwardly towards Hux and his father. Surely, an offering of food couldn’t be taken as badly as his previous engagements with Mr. Hux.

“Can we go see the Insect Exhibit, Dad?” Hux asked, his voice shrill and almost unbearably bright. “People on the internet say it’s a must-see for any enthusiast. The Natural History museum’s collection is one of the biggest and most diverse—“

“We’re not going around looking at bugs, Brendon,” Mr. Hux interrupted, looking displeased. Hux’s hopeful, wide-eyed face fell like a soufflé with too much milk. “You do enough of that at home. Why not the lion exhibit or the T-Rex? Julius was very jealous that we’d get to see the T-Rex and the lions. Powerful, apex predators,” he added, as if to no one in particular.

“The T-Rex was a secondary consumer at best,” Hux said, his grin so wide it seemed more like a grimace than anything else. “The T-Rex would usually feed on the remains of prey hunted down by other more capable predators, as its physiology was not suited to hunting and killing. And research suggests that lionesses may do more of the hunting than previously thought—“

“If you want to go back to the hotel, I can arrange that,” Brendol growled suddenly, grabbing Hux by the arm. “You’ve been talking back to me all day, and I’m not going to tolerate it. We’re going to see the lions and the T-Rex and I don’t want to hear any argument about it. Then we’re going back to the hotel, and I’m going to call your mother to see about going home early if your behavior doesn’t shape up soon.”

“No!” Hux was shaking, eyes fixed on his father’s grip on his arm as if he were made of snakes. “No, I’ll be—be good, I’ll—the lions—dino-dinosaurs—the _Archeopteryx_ fossil is supposed to be here—don’t need the bugs—“

Something that felt dangerously like his temper flared in Kylo’s chest and he clung tightly to the strap of his backpack (zebra print and neon rainbow, with Lisa Frank-style panthers drawn on the back) to keep himself in check. Mr. Hux was being unfair, not to mention a gigantic douchebag—how could he not see that? He wouldn’t even let Hux pick what he wanted to see on his own fucking school trip.

“I can be your buddy if you want to see the Insect Exhibit,” Kylo blurted out, much more loudly than necessary. “I’m sure Rey, Finn, and Poe would also come with us, if two people isn’t enough for a group.”

Mr. Hux rounded on him and Kylo abruptly felt rather stupid, holding a pastry in one hand with his other clenched into a fist at his side. “This is a private conversation, young man. Mind your own business with your friends.”

“Brendon _is_ my friend.” Kylo snapped. He brandished the pastry Brendol’s way. “And bugs are like, cool and shit.”

It wasn’t Shakespeare, but Kylo was pissed off and it was all he could do not to start yelling, or throwing punches, which would be the absolute worst idea he’d ever had in the history of bad ideas. His hands were clammy and his face felt very hot. He looked to Hux for validation, but he had turned away and had covered his face and parts of his ears with his hands. The tips of his ears were very red.

“Brendon,” Mr. Hux barked. “Come. We’re going back to the hotel. We’ll discuss all this later.”

Hux did not resist the tug on his arm, nor did he make any move to follow his father. Kylo tried to step closer to tell him it was okay, that he could do whatever he wanted either way, but Hux’s hands hadn’t moved from over his face and it didn’t seem to be the right thing to do.

“Stop that,” Brendol hissed at him, pulling Hux bodily to his side. “Stop that, we’ve talked about that—you know how I feel when you cause a scene—“

Whatever he was about to say (Kylo was quite sure it was horseshit), he never got to say it. Hux tore from his grip and ran, hands still clamped over his face. He bounced off Finn’s shoulder as he went, and only Poe’s quick reflexes kept Finn from being knocked into the elephant display.

Kylo turned and ran after him, pausing only to shoot Mr. Hux a death glare and mutter “dickwad,” just loudly enough to be heard. He apologized profusely as he bobbed and wove through the crowd, eyes locked on Hux’s hair like a beacon. His heart was pounding in his chest as if he’d been in a fight—he wasn’t even sure Hux would want to talk to him, but he had to try.

His hand hesitated over the door to the exhibit. Maybe Hux didn’t want to talk right now. Bursting in on him might upset him even more—Kylo wanted to help, not be a nuisance, like he always seemed to be.

Fumbling in his pockets, Kylo drew out his phone and flipped out the keyboard.

> _Hey r u ok? im outside teh door but i wont come in unless u want_

There was no immediate response. Kylo fiddled anxiously with the panda charm on his phone, watching Mr. Hux in the corner of his eye. He’d started their way after a few moments, but had been intercepted by Leia. He could hear a few words of their conversation ( _“that freak show,” “impudence,” “won’t stand for that behavior”_ ) and ( _“I’m very sorry you feel that way”_ and “ _I’m going to need to ask you to lower your voice, Mr. Hux”)._

_> hux??_

_> You can come in but I can’t talk  
> just text_

Kylo pushed open the heavy wooden doors Hux had disappeared through, pastry still clutched in his hand. Hux was curled over a display case, his back to the door, bracing himself over it by his elbows.

“Hey.” said Kylo, sort of quietly. “I can—I can uh, go away whenever you want—uh, do you want me to text, or—?”

> _Texting for now_

 _> kk cool_  
> r u ok????  
> idk what ur dad was mad abt but dont worry leia will figure it out

_> Please don’t look at me_

Kylo’s fingers were clammy on his keyboard when he typed back,

_> kk thatz cool i can turn around if that helpz???  
> tell me what i can do and ill do it promise_

_> Yes turn around  
> Don’t look unless I say_

Kylo shuffled around, facing the opposite wall and keeping his eyes locked on his phone. His hands were trembling a little, like he’d had too much coffee. Whatever was wrong, he was determined to make it better, no matter what it took.

> _whatz wrong tho??  
_

_> my father is disgusted by me. I’m disgusted by me_  
> nothing I do is right no matter how hard I try  
> I’ll never make him happy

_> I dunno what ur dad wantz from u  
> wanting 2 look at teh bugz is cool!!1!_

Kylo was rather afraid of bugs, but that didn’t matter. He would bear them if he had to. He would _like_ them if he had to. Even if they were crawly. And creepy. And had all those little legs...

> _It’s not normal. Nothing about me is normal. Don’t pretend it is.  
> If you weren’t a freak too you would see it_

Kylo bit at his lip at the _freak_ comment but pushed aside his hurt feelings for the moment. Hux didn’t mean it in an othering way, more in a weird, commiserative (SAT word of the day two weeks ago) way. And even if it did make Kylo feel bad, he knew that for once Hux didn’t mean it to hurt him. The priority was to make him feel better, and that was more important than getting mad over something stupid.

> _normal iz a setting on teh washing machine XD_

_> somehow I knew you’d say that_

_> no but rlly it iz, fuck normal. normal is boring. ever1z got their weird shit and thatz what makez them cool_  
_> itz hard 2 see when ur dad iz being an asshole like that 2 u but I promise ur cool 2 me_  
 _ > and i haz more myspace followerz than any1 else here so u hafta believe meh ROFLMAO_

_> you wouldn’t say that if you knew more about me  
> he’s right I’m hideous_

_> fuck off u kno whoz hideous?? Mr Snoke in 4th period PE_  
_> I swear hez like an alien from space or something_  
 _ > ur nicer to me than most ppl other than rey finn and poe_  
 _ > especially when im drunk LOL_  
 _ > ur my friend hux. im not going 2 think ur awful unless u like, blowz up the planet r smthing_  
 _ > and even then that might be kinda hawt XD_

There was a familiar scoff behind him.

> _Of course it would be hot, you imbecile, it’s an explosion._

Kylo grinned.

> _yah but I meanz like HAWT hawt. u kno. sexy n shit_

_> I’m not dignifying that with a reply._

_> yah but now u kno and haz to kno that 4eva and eva XD XD_

_> Are you looking?_

_> wat?? no u said not 2. i promised i wouldn’t until u said it wuz ok_

_> good._

_> why don’t u want me 2 look? r u hurt or smthing??  
> if ur hurt leia can help u she haz first aid shit_

“I’m not injured.” Kylo was sort of startled to hear Hux’s voice, and it sounded kind of wobbly and softer than normal, but he was glad to hear it. “I—when I get upset like that, it—words can get harder. I don’t know why. You can talk. If you want.”

“I, uh, read in one of Leia’s books that can be a thing for some people,” said Kylo, a bit awkwardly. The room was mostly empty, but it was kind of hard to ignore the few stragglers trying to ignore them. “Like not being able to use words when you’re upset, or like, stressed out or whatever. It’s no big deal.”

Hux said nothing in miserable silence. Then, “Are you sure about that?”

“Oh yeah. She made me read tons of them. Something about being more worldly and educated about people and shit. The whole nonverbal thing was mentioned a lot. I guess it was sort of useful for once.” Kylo picked at his fingernail polish, which was starting to chip. “Does it happen a lot? Maybe you could see someone for it.”

“See someone for it?” Hux repeated, his voice raising in both pitch and volume. A pair of toddlers with their father looked curiously his way. “If it truly doesn’t bother you, why should I see someone? I _know_ you hate it, everyone hates it. Don’t lie to me. Stop lying to me!”

“I’m not lying!” Kylo exclaimed quickly. “I swear, I’m just trying to help—“

“That’s what he says.” Hux sounded bitter and angry, and Kylo’s heart swooped down to the toes of his shoes. “He wants to fix it. So do you. You’re no different. Don’t pretend otherwise to spare my feelings.”

“No, Hux, I—“ Kylo’s voice warbled in his throat, and before he could stop himself he’d thrown his arms awkwardly around Hux’s middle. “I like you how you are. I really like you, actually, and I don’t want you to be upset and you definitely don’t have to do anything you don’t want, don’t ever think I’d want that.”

“Kylo—“ Hux’s voice was muffled by Kylo’s shoulder. “Let _go_ of me right now.”

Kylo let go with a quick apology, feeling the pinpricks of tears in his eyes. He looked away quickly before he could see Hux’s face, his own very hot with embarassment and the sting of rejection. “Sorry,” he mumbled, biting at his lip ring. “I can...I can go if you want.”

“No,” Hux said quickly. “That’s...not necessary.” His voice sounded strained, and extremely formal, as if Kylo was his rich uncle or something.

“Look, if you want, the school let Leia book an extra ticket back just in case someone like, fucked up their reservation or something like that. You can have it and give your dad the middle finger—not really but like, yeah. I mean really if you want. That’s not the important part. You can stay in the room with me and Rey and Finn and Poe, as long as you don’t mind Finn and Poe making kissy noises half the night, and Rey usually shuts them up sometime around midnight—“

Kylo broke off rather abruptly as he realized he was rambling. “Does any of that sound good?”

Silence.

”Are you uh, shaking your head?”

More silence.

“Hux? Are you there?”

“I can’t.” Hux’s voice was even quieter than before. Flat.

With a weird, sinking feeling, Kylo saw the unreality of his own dreamed-up suggestion. It was good, so good—too good. An impossible figment of imagination, possible maybe in a world where his grandpa was still here, and maybe his dad, too. “Can I help?”

For a while Hux was quiet, and Kylo pulled his phone out of his pocket in case he needed to use it again. Then, Hux said, “Tourette’s Syndrome is a neuropsychiatric disease that manifests in uncontrolled muscle tics or spasms, or uncontrolled speech, often profane or inappropriate in aspect. Symptoms often manifest in times of stress or discomfort, or during times when energy is low. I don’t speak out any more—my father fixed that when I was younger. Did you know there are more species of beetle than in all of the animal kingdom?”

“Uh, no, I didn’t,” said Kylo.

“There’s a beetle named after Darth Vader. I thought you would like that.”

“Really?” Kylo brightened. He’d always loved Darth Vader, even as a kid. He still had his Darth Vader light-up shoes somewhere. “Is it here? Like in this bug room or whatever?”

He’d been trying to ignore the fact the walls were lined with glass cases of dead bugs, but it was getting to him. He suppressed the thought with a shiver.

“ _Insect collection,_ ” Hux corrected. “But yes, there should be a sample specimen. The Genus and species is _Agathidium vaderi_. It should be somewhere on this wall. Here. Turn around.”

Kylo turned and followed Hux to where he stood by one of the huge glass cases. A tiny beetle that looked pretty much like every other beetle and definitely not like Darth Vader sat cushioned on the green velvet, weirdly motionless and held in place by delicate silver pins. Seeing a bug just lying there, not jittering around or anything but pinned down like an art piece in an exhibit, like rows and rows of other, perfectly taxidermied bugs, seemed wrong, and sad somehow.

“I always envied the collection,” Hux said.

Kylo swallowed. “Can...I look now?”

“No. You’ll make fun of me.”

“I would not,” Kylo protested. “You have my word as a member of the MCR Army.”

This was a solemn oath indeed. Kylo was subscribed to the newsletter and everything.

“I make fun of your ridiculous features.”

“That’s different. I won’t make fun of you.” Kylo extended a hand Hux’s way, while keeping his eyes set carefully forward. “Pinky promise.”

Cautiously, Hux accepted it, his pinky finger a bit clammy. “You can look.”

Kylo turned, and Hux slowly lowered his hands from his face. His eyes were very wide, and one side of his face flickered—not flickered, not like normal—more like jerked a little, or spasmed. It was a little strange, Kylo supposed, but so were those pants that turned into shorts when you unzipped them, and Hux wore those once.

Hux’s hands snuck upwards again, and he quickly turned away. “You can see why he hates it. I hate it too. It’s abhorrent, but I can’t make it stop.”

“It doesn’t bother me at all,” Kylo said.

“Don’t lie.”

“I’m not.” Kylo felt a weird, torn feeling in his chest. How could Hux not see he meant it? He wasn’t just saying it to make him feel better. It was the truth. He wondered if this was how Leia felt when she insisted he was the best thing in her life, and it sounded so obviously untrue. What was it she always said? _It’s my job to tell you the truth, Ben—Kylo, sorry—and all I can ask is for you to try to believe it. I’ll always do my job best I can. You do yours._

He tried to put that into words, and failed, and his throat developed a weird lump and he blinked very hard against suddenly watering eyes—must be allergies, or something. He stared very hard at the Darth Vader beetle.

“Thank you for coming after me.”

Kylo swallowed with effort. “Uh, no problem.”

Hux’s eyes met Kylo’s, very directly, and with an electric jolt that felt more like a million volts than the time he’d touched his phone’s plug while trying to put it in the outlet in the dark he realized Hux’s eyes were _smouldering._ At least, he was pretty sure that’s what eye-smouldering looked like—the alternative was a bit hellish, and not exactly in the good way. Either way, it was way more intense than anything that had ever happened to him, including the time Poe nearly crashed his car taking a hairpin turn at seventy miles per hour.

“I really like the beetle,” Kylo blurted out. “Thanks for thinking of me.”

He was woefully unprepared when Hux suddenly leaned in, pressing his lips to Kylo’s. Kylo let out a _mfffgh_ noise in surprise as their tongues battled for dominance—actually, as Hux’s tongue brutally routed Kylo’s in stunning military defeat. Kylo’s heart was beating so rapidly he thought he might actually be having a heart attack, and he had quite forgotten to breathe. He felt weird and tingly, and the urge for tears, confusingly, had only increased, as well as his desire to quit life and do nothing but make out grossly with Hux for the rest of his natural years.

Then Hux pulled back just as abruptly as he’d started, nostrils flared and blinking very rapidly. “Did—did I do that right?”

“What? Oh yeah uh, that was uh, top marks.” Kylo swallowed, his voice cracking too many times in one sentence. “Though uh, if you want uh, I could give you some uh, pointers sometime. You know. From an experienced teacher.”

Hux’s eyes narrowed. “Careful, Ren.”

“Or not,” Kylo added quickly.

Hux seemed to have recovered more rapidly than Kylo from the life-ending event they’d just experienced. “We should go back. We can’t be missing too long. I’m better now,” he added before Kylo could devise a way to ask. His nose wrinkled. “What’s that in your hand?”

“Oh uh, a pastry.” Kylo hid it quickly. “It’s from breakfast.”

Hux made a disenchanted face. Kylo could already feel the magic of the last few minutes slipping away, draining back into everyday life. “That’s just as disgusting as you are, Ren.”

 

 

 

“You can’t honestly believe trickle-down economics works in practice!” Leia was shouting, standing up on a bench to better tower over Hux’s father. “Next you’ll tell me the AIDS crisis was well-handled by the Reagan administration, and Stephen Harper is the best Prime Minister Canada has ever seen!”

“I’m not some hippie communist like you,” Mr. Hux replied, just as angrily. “And I don’t know anything about that Harper man or the gays’ problems, but—“

He saw Kylo and Hux coming and broke off abruptly, looking both angry and relieved. “Where the hell have you been?” he demanded.

“I’m sorry, father.” Hux’s voice was cool and flat, and he made eye contact with his father with obvious effort. “Shall we go look at the dinosaurs now? We can take pictures for Julius. I think he would like that.”

Hux’s father blinked, as if taken aback. “Well, I suppose. He would like that,” he said, a bit gruffly. To Leia and Kylo he said, “If you two would excuse us, Brendon and I have sightseeing to do.”

And with that he and Hux headed off, a strange stiffness between them. Leia stepped down off the bench, to Kylo’s gratitude, and shot a parting glare Mr. Hux’s way. She put an arm around Kylo’s shoulder, massaging his arm in a rather embarrassing way, considering they were in public. Just before Hux and his father entered the Rex Room, Kylo thought he saw Mr. Hux’s hand go to Hux’s shoulder, and there was a sort of fondness in the gesture.

“I love you bugbear,” Leia said, and pressed a big, damp kiss to his forehead. “You’re my bestest bud.”

Kylo squared his shoulders and said, “I know.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr [here](http://firstordershitposting.tumblr.com). <3


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